Almost 5 in the morning

Sleep is a rare commodity in my world. Between Bea's movements, which feel titanic at this stage, Braxton-Hicks, excess warmth, and a myriad of other late pregnancy symptoms, I find myself waking up at 3 am after falling asleep at 11 or 12. Sometimes I can re-adjust and go back to sleep, other nights--or in this case, morning, I am too awake, so I just read the NYtimes, check my email and wait for exhaustion or a headache to kick in. Then I can usually snag a few more hours before Evie wakes up.

My grandmother says the definition of eternity is the last month of pregnancy. My mom says it has to be this hard or women would never want to go through the pain and work of labor to get a baby out. I think they are both right. I feel emotionally and mentally stretched (not to mention physically) beyond what I think I can handle. I keep praying that I can give up the illusion of control that I am clinging to. Packing the hospital bag won't make anything happen. Changing all the linen on all the beds in the house won't make anything happen. Keeping everything clean, just in case we go into labor and have to leave quickly won't make anything happen. Walking in the hot Kansas August weather won't make anything happen (actually it will make me very uncomfortable, but hasn't brought on labor).

Of course, on top of all this are the regular stresses that come with trying to be a good mommy (when all I want to do is sleep, read, drink water, and sleep some more) a good wife (when all I want is a back-rub, a foot massage, and somebody to cook dinner for me) and a relatively sane woman (when what I really want is to start jumping off the bed or walking around stark naked--because nothing feels comfortable to wear!)

I have to remind myself--it isn't about me. It isn't about Russ or Everett. It isn't even about Beatrice. It a chance for me to let go and completely trust that God is in control and that he will give me the strength, patience, and endurance to complete this journey. To trust that His plan is so much better than mine. That this little life I am growing is a perfect example of how completely amazing He is. And, how He can use me--even when I complain, even when I doubt, and especially when I realize that I can't do it on my own.