Clusters of frustration

It seems that aggravations are often lumped together, so instead of rolling off my back, they clump together and become bigger frustrations. So, to begin, I apologize for the next paragraph--it is going to be a little whiney.

Two weeks ago, I agreed to take care of a little boy, whose mother is returning to school. At the time, the situation seemed ideal. He is about 6 months older than Everett, very verbal, and used to intensely, imaginative play. However, nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Because of an instable and challenging homelife, this little boy is particularly rude, aggressive, and quite the complainer. I am hoping that daily exposure to routine, calm, non-violent discipline, and love will alter some of his behavior. As of yet, it is a daily journey in which I question my sanity in keeping such a difficult child. When I pray about it though, I know that God loves him and wants me to love him and to show him mercy and acceptance as well as to share that with his mom. So I keep praying and hoping and working toward a morning when he will arrive with a smile on his face instead of a frown and snarl.

Second on my list of minor aggravations that compound into anxiety, is my OBGYN office that for some reason did not have my medical history, despite having been a patient for almost 4 years, one pregnancy, 2 ovarian cysts and a few annual exams. Not especially comforting to an already paranoid and anxious pregnant woman. I do have my first "real" appointment next week, where I will see the doctor and hopefully get some answers and reassurance that everything is on track and healthy. Until then, I will just keep trusting and praying--God created this new life, he loves this baby, and he is taking care of all my needs.

Third but probably higher up on the list of concerns is my younger brother. To protect his privacy I won't get into any of my specific worries. I just want him to find the right path and to become not only the man God wants him to be, but also to return to the beautiful, happy, creative boy he was.

Also not in order of importance, I spend a great deal of time hoping, praying and sending the most positive thoughts towards a dear, dear friend who is trying to have a baby. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have been blessed not once, but now again with children. There is no difference in our desire for babies only between the ease or difficulty that we have in achieving the same goal. It isn't fair, and I hate it. I want a baby for her as desperately as I want my baby to be healthy.

When I think of all the things I have to be thankful for, I am ashamed that I dwell on these thorns. I know they are distractions, yet they still bother me. I trust that God is in control, yet I always want to be in the driver's seat. Truly trusting and having faith is so much harder as an adult. I remember when I was younger there seemed no other way than to believe. But the world is such a murky, grey, place with so few absolutes that now as an adult, I trust because it provides a solid place to stand when the frustrations and ugliness of life gets too hard. I know I can't do it on my own and yet I try to anyways. This year, I hope that God will amaze me with the wonder and blessings of truly having faith and letting go.

Our Christmas Suprise and New Year's News

The biggest Christmas suprise in the Essman family came about two weeks before the 25th. We found out we will be adding to the family in early August of 2009. We are so excited and think that when Everett figures it out, he will be excited too. The first trimester was a doozy, much, much worse than when I was pregnant with Everett. Although, I almost made through with out throwing up, the stomach flu proved more than even I could take. I haven't been to the doctor yet for anything more than the official pregnancy test. Mostly that is due to timing and general hustle and bustle. I pray every day for health and strength forthis little one, but most of all for a calm, peaceful personality! I see the new OB nurse next Thursday when I am 13 weeks and then the Dr. on Feb. 5th. Hopefully everything is healthy and normal, God is in control.

This picture was taken a couple days ago, and you can already see my bump. It seems that with a second baby, everything shows much quicker! I am happy to say that at least I weighed the same as when I got pregnant with Everett. The jeans in the picture are my normal ones but I broke down and brought out the maternity jeans about a week ago (last time I refused to wear any maternity...not sure why anymore). I have thrifted some cute pieces that will work for a long while. Thank goodness for the second-hand shops!

Giving up caffeine has been the hardest part. Mostly I am really good, but I admit to a few cups of coffee here and there. Never more than one a day though. Food so far has been really tricky. The first months NOTHING was appetizing. Then I started craving fruit and veggies. Popsicles were another favorite for a while but nothing is really holding my interest long term. Now that my energy is coming back I have started a great workout and yoga routine and hope that my body will be even stronger than with Everett. Russ even did the yoga dvd with me last night, it is so relaxing I went out like a light when I crawled in bed.

I will try and keep the blog updated, at least monthly with new Everett and tummy pictures, but who knows, life around here can be such a whirlwind that I barely have time to sit down, much less compose my thoughts!

Christmas 2008

We had the pleasure of hosting Christmas in our tiny cottage this year. It was so much fun to have my mom, dad, sister and brother Kit around our tree and fire. Derek was very much missed though. In true van der Hoeven fashion there was lots of silliness, laughter and food. SO MUCH FOOD! The only thing in higher supply than food was the coffee of which my parents are prolific imbibers. Everett LOVES having so many people to dote on him and he was spoiled with attention.

Kit brought this charming chapeaux as a gift for dad and Russ to share--it was enjoyed by all.

I think there is a picture from Christmas 2005 in which I look almost identical. Very weird.

Everett really got the hang of building towers, he constructed this masterpiece by himself!

It was snug, but so nice. Very much like I hoped Christmas would be.

Everett and Nonni opening a packje.

Cissy and Me.

Back logged blogging

I decided the best way to catch up on a month plus of not blogging would be a pictorial review. Here are the highlights and the not so highlights of the brief interlude before Christmas and the weeks that have passed since then. (Christmas deserves and will get its own post) This lovely, peaceful picture is from after we all caught the terrible stomach flu of 2009. Yuck. But still a sweet picture of E sleeping with me, which never, ever, happens.

I just love pictures of Everett peeping out of blankets. I should do a montage of all the ages, blankets, and peeping Ihave accumulated since he was born.

Again, I never get tired of Everett playing in a box. This one had the added fun of lots and lots of bubble wrap. Why do we buy him toys?

Also, he loves to play in baskets. Kinda like a puppy or kitten. And even though he is mine, so I know I am biased, I think it is so precious.

This is Everett's baby. Sometimes it goes everywhere with us. Even the bathtub. Takes a few days to dry out though.

He definitely has inherited his dad's love of music. And he is getting the hang of sharing too.

So trains are a daily part of my life. And not to brag, but I have gotten pretty darn good at building the tracks. Although with out photos, I can't seem to build the same system twice.

Everett may be training to be a Swedish masseuse, or maybe he just likes jumping on his dad after a long day at work...

But then he does something so sweet and it is easy to cuddle him up and love every inch of lanky, blonde boy.

I made soup, it was pretty and tasted good.

Russ is such a good teacher that Everett is gonna be a rock star before we know it.

Note the serious guitar playing faces.

Right before Christmas, we got a beautiful snow. It was lovely and white and lasted just long enough. Currently with the balmy 60 degree weather we are enjoying, snow seems like a pleasant but distant memory.

Yes, his fingers look raw. Yes, it is horrible. Yes, he has mittens. NO, he won't wear them regardless of what I say, do, or think. So Everett's snow time is limited until he agrees that fingers are valuable!