It seems that aggravations are often lumped together, so instead of rolling off my back, they clump together and become bigger frustrations. So, to begin, I apologize for the next paragraph--it is going to be a little whiney.
Two weeks ago, I agreed to take care of a little boy, whose mother is returning to school. At the time, the situation seemed ideal. He is about 6 months older than Everett, very verbal, and used to intensely, imaginative play. However, nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Because of an instable and challenging homelife, this little boy is particularly rude, aggressive, and quite the complainer. I am hoping that daily exposure to routine, calm, non-violent discipline, and love will alter some of his behavior. As of yet, it is a daily journey in which I question my sanity in keeping such a difficult child. When I pray about it though, I know that God loves him and wants me to love him and to show him mercy and acceptance as well as to share that with his mom. So I keep praying and hoping and working toward a morning when he will arrive with a smile on his face instead of a frown and snarl.
Second on my list of minor aggravations that compound into anxiety, is my OBGYN office that for some reason did not have my medical history, despite having been a patient for almost 4 years, one pregnancy, 2 ovarian cysts and a few annual exams. Not especially comforting to an already paranoid and anxious pregnant woman. I do have my first "real" appointment next week, where I will see the doctor and hopefully get some answers and reassurance that everything is on track and healthy. Until then, I will just keep trusting and praying--God created this new life, he loves this baby, and he is taking care of all my needs.
Third but probably higher up on the list of concerns is my younger brother. To protect his privacy I won't get into any of my specific worries. I just want him to find the right path and to become not only the man God wants him to be, but also to return to the beautiful, happy, creative boy he was.
Also not in order of importance, I spend a great deal of time hoping, praying and sending the most positive thoughts towards a dear, dear friend who is trying to have a baby. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have been blessed not once, but now again with children. There is no difference in our desire for babies only between the ease or difficulty that we have in achieving the same goal. It isn't fair, and I hate it. I want a baby for her as desperately as I want my baby to be healthy.
When I think of all the things I have to be thankful for, I am ashamed that I dwell on these thorns. I know they are distractions, yet they still bother me. I trust that God is in control, yet I always want to be in the driver's seat. Truly trusting and having faith is so much harder as an adult. I remember when I was younger there seemed no other way than to believe. But the world is such a murky, grey, place with so few absolutes that now as an adult, I trust because it provides a solid place to stand when the frustrations and ugliness of life gets too hard. I know I can't do it on my own and yet I try to anyways. This year, I hope that God will amaze me with the wonder and blessings of truly having faith and letting go.
3 comments:
What I love about you most is your heart, and it's capacity for exponential love. That is exactly the life you are leading and we can all see it and bask in it. We spoke a little on the subject, but in my faithlessness about most things, I still hold out that sooner rather than later, things will be easier for both you and me. No doubt and much love.
Miriah... first of all, I think that picture of Russ & E is so precious! (the one in the top left corner). And, I'm so happy to read that you're doing your absolute best to give your worries and hopes to God. There's really no other way to handle those emotions, etc. that will give you the comfort and perseverance that God can.
PS We need to have a family date soon!
-Mrs. Carlson :)
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